Speaking out, Thoughts and Feelings

I don’t know what to title this post but read it if you want too!

As the title suggests… I don’t know what to call this post haha. Its not a book review post… its more like a “Speaking Out” type post but not in a way haha.

Okay so its Valentine’s time weekend and, again, I’m single. But I suppose I have another 70/80 more of them to go so I suppose I better get used to it.

Here’s the deal: I’m never going to have a boyf/fiancee/husband. I am just not the type of girl guys go for. I’m not… desirable… its not like guys see me and think “God yes give me some of that!”
I will always be the friend… constantly stuck in the friend zone and not being much else other than that.

It probably steamed from school. Being surrounded by the “Pretty It Girls” I didn’t really get a look in… like ever!
Who’d want the girl dressed in black skinny jeans and had the flicky fringe over here eye, wearing big giant bows and listened to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco and My Chemical Romance as their girlfriend (I want through an emo phase haha I do still listen to them though haha) when they could have the girl who wore skirts and was skinny and had perfect hair?
To be honest thats still he case now (well my tastes have changed a bit now!)

In college… probably the same story minus the emo phase… this time I was a bit more… “colourful” haha and getting into my King Arthur personality and my Doctor Who geekiness was getting even more geeky!

And then there’s me now.

I wear movie/fandom/book themed tshirts. Usually with either skinny jeans or skirt and leggings.
I read… ALOT! Like an awful lot.
I fangirl over a lot of things… seriously I can see a picture of Matt Smith or The Hunger Games or Divergent or Back to the Future and I will fangirl my little heart out.
I don’t look up when I’m walking… my eyes are constantly fixed to the floor.
I have no confidence. It was worse about 2 years ago.  Especially with the so called “friends” I had surrounding me. What I didn’t realise then but did a little later… that they were just one of the reasons why my depression came to the surface.
It was the worst time for me and, yeah, you can read about that in another post I did.

But I just can’t get it into my head that someone would want to be with me.
My stomach isn’t flat… I have a belly.
Thighs are a little chunky.
My butt could be smaller.
I’m really painting a perfect picture here! Haha.
I don’t think I’m pretty… there are far more prettier people out there.
I’m not flawless.
I can’t talk to guys… I’m a female Raj (Big Bang Theory)
I can’t even look a hot in the eyes if I serve them at work or if I pass them in the street.
And at pubs and clubs?
Might aswell just stick me in a darkened corner because I don’t get noticed.

So I’ve kind of come to terms with the whole “I’m never gonna experience love” thing because why would I?

Despite what the Medium said (and a lot of things that she said were true and have come true) that I would get married and have kids… I can’t… I can’t get that into my head. She even said a name I have to look out for but so far… nothing. (This reading happened last summer) I didn’t even start looking for the name or a guy because it just won’t happen.

I don’t know when this whole skeptical side of me happened, when I started going through all this. It could have been school. Boys at school… yeah… if you weren’t hot they didn’t really care about you. I wasn’t bullied but some boys still said things about me. So maybe that was it.

So yeah.

This is just an easy way for me to get everything out. My blog is a little sanctuary for me and I feel as though I can say things because I am, in a way, anonymous on here and I can be myself.

So yeah. This is just some truth talking type of post. You don’t have to read it but if you want too you can.

Love you all!


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