I read a blog the other day (emmaiswriting.wordpress.com) and she confidently spoke out all her problems and how she’s turned her life around and its got me thinking. Maybe its time for me to Speak Out and let go of all my past and present fears and down times and hopefully help other people going through it all.
It started around March time this year. I started to feel worthless and unlovable and got the feeling that I wouldn’t be happy again. Once I got an idea in my head it festered and grew more and more problematic. I stopped doing things I enjoyed, like writing and reading and creating things. Even laughing became a problem. Things didn’t help in areas of friendship either and without naming any names they made me feel worse. I couldn’t tell them what I was feeling, I felt as though no one was listening to me. That I was in a glass bubble and I was shouting but no one noticed. It got worse when they spoke about boyfriends and holidays and money and all the other things. They didn’t understand that the more they spoke about that those type of things the more down I got. I gradually distanced myself from them, thinking I would feel better but to be honest it made me worse because when I weren’t with them, listening to them talk about their fabulous lives then I was seeing it on social media. I know I sound jealous but I wasn’t. They just didn’t understand anything.
After a while it affected my work. I lost all joy in it. And after I had a week of work (which I asked for because I couldn’t concentrate and was crying alot) I knew it was finally time to go to the doctors.
It wasn’t just my low moods though. I cried alot, didn’t sleep at all, stopped eating and stopped wearing all of fun, colourful clothes that I used to wear. Then came physically things. I started to get anxiety, scared of going out and I started to lose my hair. Not big amounts but you could tell my hair got noticeably thinner.
So after doing the test the doctor gave me I went back and was diagnosed with severe depression. I never physically harmed myself it was mainly mental. Telling myself I wasn’t good enough and all things like that.
I started on anti depressants and at first I got worse before I got better but that was expected.
Slowly I started to get back on track, slowly.
The friendships that I had I finally told them the truth about what I thought and why I became depressed. For me that was the end of it. A weight off my shoulder. But they took it the wrong way and took offence and said I was looking the plot… but to be honest I don’t regret what I told them. I’d go back and do it again if I could. My only regret is that I didn’t tell them sooner.
Of course my mom was a huge help. Moms always are though. She took her time with me. Sitting with me on the sofa when I was in a low mood and didn’t want to eat let alone do anything and she slowly got me back on my feet. Never pushing me only encouraging me.
I had a few friends I could rely on.They helped me through alot of things. They became my other form of therapy Especially if I felt a bit odd telling my mom that I knew I had them to fall back on. As for my boys Andrew, Anthony and Jay… well I don’t know what I’d do without you really.
Anthony got me a job with him in Malvern and yeah I was a little anxious about it but I settled in all okay.
And well there are others… my beautiful and amazing cyber fangirl crazy friends. If I hadn’t started reading TID and TMI series by Cassie Clare then I never would have met them! You’ve brought me back to me.
I started writing again, reading has become even more of an obsession than before, I’m singing along to the radio again and I’m back into my tarot cards.
Going to Glastonbury town (my second home) really healed me. I love that place so much and was so sad to be coming back home!
I’m still on the anti depressants (I started them in May) and I do still have my bad days but that can be expected. Depression is going to be apart of my life forever and I’ve got to start accepting that now. I’m going to have days and nights when I do nothing but cry and I’m gonna have days when I don’t want to do anything but I know that I have a strong group of people to help me back onto my feet. Confidence… well that’s something that I’ve never had much of but I hope that’ll soon change (I’m not holding my breath though! Haha) and as for boys… well I stopped letting it take over my life. I still do have low days when I can’t get it out of my head that I’m going to be lonely and single forever and then I have days when I say “Fuck them I don’t need them!” And as for my body (which I hated so so so much) well I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m going to be curvy.
I try not to let things get me down anymore. Think of the positive and get rid of the negative, breathe deeply, meditate when things get too much.
I’m on the road to getting better but as I said I will still have low days… I got this for life!
Hopefully by talking about this I’ve reached out to someone going through this.
And guys think you for being so so so so amazing! You have no idea how much better I am with you lot in my life xxxx